Does my spouse really love me?

Wondering if My Husband Still Loves Me asks:

I want to know if my husband really loves me. We have been married for 23 years and he does not show me very much attention any more. We talk about the children, but nothing else. Does he love me?

Dear Wondering About His Love:

You were a beautiful little girl. I see you in a white lace dress, shy with your eyes looking down, dreaming of the future.

You've grown up to be an assertive, confident woman. Your soul is simple, and I mean that in a good way - simple in expressing what's at the heart of you, and what's in your heart.

When you were young, you imagined your future. Remember? Now you are older and you are imagining your future again, and you wonder about the present.

Is your husband's love true? Is he actually in love with you? Are the both of you truly in love and loving with each other?

It's been a long time since you remember, and when you recall and look back at the past, at the times when you recall yourself remembering your future, you think: is this true, real, and right?

Let me tell you a story that's true:

One time, my friend Linda told me that your eyes can only see if they are moving. Your eyes were designed so that they must move in tiny little motions whenever they look at something. If they did not flutter, vibrate, or ripple when they looked, they would not work. When you gaze at another, the other person would slowly become transparent, vanish, and fade as if they no longer existed.

You and your husband are vanishing from each other.

Your eyes do not see him absolutely, and his eyes do not see you fully.

Soon you will be ghosts, and your love will be a love for the ghosts of the past, and you will say to yourself:

"I love you less than yesterday, and even less tomorrow."

I sense your husband feels a similar way, not exactly as you, not as tenderly and perceptive as you, but he cannot see you, or hear you, or feel you as near as he used to.

Your husband loves you.

And you love him, and yes you would love him as a ghost, and yes you will love him when he passes from you.

And today you will open your eyes to see his love for you.

You are energetic, hard-working, and active with your eyes and soul. You will fall asleep and wake up and look at him and you know you will see part of him for the first time, a part of him that you imagined as a child in your white dress, and you will love him for who he is, and this first step you take will walk you closer to knowing how much he loves you.

My friend Linda also told me another wise story:

"My friend was having trouble with her marriage. She was angry at her husband. She went to church during the middle of the day and asked her priest: "How can I get over this white-hot anger?" And he told her: "It's easy to love him when he does everything right, isn't it? Doesn't everyone do that? It's much more work to love him when he does something wrong..."

Before she left her church, she lit a candle, and as the flame burned, the church was instantly filled with a bright light. She was amazed. A fierce rainstorm was raging outside, and the light was lightning that brightened the church at the same time as her candle. And despite what others said, she took it as a sign, and even though my friend decided she wasn't perfect, she decided to be as perfect as she could be, and that night she had a dream."

"What was her dream? I asked.

"She could not remember," Linda said, "but when she opened her eyes the next day, at first she thought she was blind, but it was because everything looked different."

Divorced and looking for true love

Wary of Looking for Love asks:

I am a divorced woman in my 40s and I want to find someone to share the rest of my life with. But I've heard so many horror stories about the dating world. What do I have to watch out for while I'm looking for someone to love?

Dear Wary,

You are right to be concerned. There are so many stories out there about men you could love but who take control in a way that would not benefit you.

I can tell you're a sensitive woman who loves God. You would never be one to blame God for your troubles, but like Job in the Bible, you do not always have to approve of what happens to you!

I know you are a strong woman, stronger than you realize, even though you may have told yourself deep down that you are not so powerful, because you look at what's happened, and some part of you says it's all your fault.

Your fault is merely your past loss of innocence. Your fault is merely being part of the fall that snags us all.

Others have convinced you - for their purposes - that you have no control or willpower of your own, that you are not an assertive child of God, that you have no determination to change into the most perfect image of God that you can be.

As you evolve into the romantic, godlike, loving person you are, listen to your inner voice, your voice that's blessed, your intuitive voice, your voice within that tells you to step back and see the godlike spirit within others, and to slow down your heart just a little bit, so it beats ever so slower and is quiet and you can hear your voice.

It says what you know is true, and it asks you to breath a bit.

(And yes it knows about your trouble with that man, the one without a solution.)

Let me tell you: I read a story about a woman who kept meeting men and none of them was right. She was concerned because it was taking her valuable time and energy and it was like a job to her and she wanted to get the job done right now.

And her best friend asked her why she scurried around so, and she said, "I'm afraid I'll never find the right one." And her friend was wise - everyone has a friend like that we never listen to completely - and she said, "You know, if you're looking for a man while you're afraid, your man you're looking for will not see you when you're brave, confident and full of love. He'll only see you when you're not brave, not confident and not full of love."

And her friend stopped and thought a bit.

I can see you finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. How could a beautiful woman like you not attract a man who wants to love you?

Another story I heard was from a woman who was the head of her church, who counseled souls all day and night, who saw God's spirit in everyone, who gave out her wisdom... and a man lied to her about love and stole $13,000.

And the expert in that story said that others could learn from her story.

And the woman in the other story who had fear gained bravery to be herself.

And the woman in the first story gained when she met her handsome detective...

In the real world, do this:

1. Meet a person for real, in public.
2. Never give your dates money or share financial information.
3. Meet the person's family.
4. Listen to your inner voice. 

(And read this to yourself once a day - you may skip a few days, of course - as your job for 13 days.)

Man wants to settle down

The fool, he had fun...

...until the cliff.

Floater wants to settle:

I'm a guy who has mostly floated through life, doing whatever I work I felt like doing or was available to me at the time. Yet now I feel I should settle down and find a job that I like and that will help me find a woman I want to settle down with. I have no idea what to do. I'm easily bored, but know I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. What should I do?

Dear man who wants to swim:

I sense you've gone over a few cliffs in your time, but I feel that you'd say they were all worth it. (And they were.) You've fallen in and out of love more times than... well, you know the saying. You've never fallen into a spot you can't get out of, yet now it's time for a new chapter.

It's more difficult for people like you who have made their own path. In your early years you were always told what to do: others always telling you what you should do, and what you should not do, and you left and you have no use for preachers anymore.

You say you want to settle down to find a job to find a woman. Most jobs, of course, are about making money, not about getting a woman. Have the woman you've been with been concerned because you have no money, or are they concerned because you are not settling down, and you think money will help you settle down?

You've made enough money in the past to do what you want. What you want for the future is to make enough money to make a woman feel secure about you.

You have been a Young Man for a lot longer than many others, so you could and did explore the Young Man energy. Now it's time for your Man energy. You could call it "Manergy."

On second thought, let's not call it that and let's forget that word completely.

You're in transition between older boy and man. Or young man and older man. Others your same chronological age have made the shift (and many, you've seen, not so successfully). You are unique in that your shift is on your terms, under your control, except for one little detail.

Something must be surrendered.

Just as an alcoholic must give up all drinking, a man who wants to settle down must give up some of his childish things.

I don't need to tell you which ones you must - that's all up to you and you're smart so you know. (You know you can't continue to do what you did, don't you?)

No, you will not find it at first. Why should it be quick for you, if being "not-a-man-yet" took longer than most?

What should you do? I can't tell you, because what you want is assurance and a guarantee and someone telling you what to do, which of course is a guaranteed assurance that you will not listen because you don't listen to anyone telling you what to do, do you?

I will suggest a glance at "What Color is Your Parachute" by Dick Bolles, a sprawling book that carves into the meat (or tofu, if you swing vegetarian) of who you are and how to find a job.

I will also suggest a simple exercise. Every night before you sleep, ask yourself what you imagine yourself doing in the future.

I don't know which one of my suggestions is the best one for you, yet I know you know the right one, since your authentic intuition is so powerful, and combined with the times your rational side kept you safe, you will make the transition.

And remember a woman does not always seek a rich man.

Job Hunter's Bible>>
The Fool Tarot card image is from the Rider-Waite tarot deck, designed by a man and drawn by a woman, Wikipedia>>