Does my spouse really love me?

Wondering if My Husband Still Loves Me asks:

I want to know if my husband really loves me. We have been married for 23 years and he does not show me very much attention any more. We talk about the children, but nothing else. Does he love me?

Dear Wondering About His Love:

You were a beautiful little girl. I see you in a white lace dress, shy with your eyes looking down, dreaming of the future.

You've grown up to be an assertive, confident woman. Your soul is simple, and I mean that in a good way - simple in expressing what's at the heart of you, and what's in your heart.

When you were young, you imagined your future. Remember? Now you are older and you are imagining your future again, and you wonder about the present.

Is your husband's love true? Is he actually in love with you? Are the both of you truly in love and loving with each other?

It's been a long time since you remember, and when you recall and look back at the past, at the times when you recall yourself remembering your future, you think: is this true, real, and right?

Let me tell you a story that's true:

One time, my friend Linda told me that your eyes can only see if they are moving. Your eyes were designed so that they must move in tiny little motions whenever they look at something. If they did not flutter, vibrate, or ripple when they looked, they would not work. When you gaze at another, the other person would slowly become transparent, vanish, and fade as if they no longer existed.

You and your husband are vanishing from each other.

Your eyes do not see him absolutely, and his eyes do not see you fully.

Soon you will be ghosts, and your love will be a love for the ghosts of the past, and you will say to yourself:

"I love you less than yesterday, and even less tomorrow."

I sense your husband feels a similar way, not exactly as you, not as tenderly and perceptive as you, but he cannot see you, or hear you, or feel you as near as he used to.

Your husband loves you.

And you love him, and yes you would love him as a ghost, and yes you will love him when he passes from you.

And today you will open your eyes to see his love for you.

You are energetic, hard-working, and active with your eyes and soul. You will fall asleep and wake up and look at him and you know you will see part of him for the first time, a part of him that you imagined as a child in your white dress, and you will love him for who he is, and this first step you take will walk you closer to knowing how much he loves you.

My friend Linda also told me another wise story:

"My friend was having trouble with her marriage. She was angry at her husband. She went to church during the middle of the day and asked her priest: "How can I get over this white-hot anger?" And he told her: "It's easy to love him when he does everything right, isn't it? Doesn't everyone do that? It's much more work to love him when he does something wrong..."

Before she left her church, she lit a candle, and as the flame burned, the church was instantly filled with a bright light. She was amazed. A fierce rainstorm was raging outside, and the light was lightning that brightened the church at the same time as her candle. And despite what others said, she took it as a sign, and even though my friend decided she wasn't perfect, she decided to be as perfect as she could be, and that night she had a dream."

"What was her dream? I asked.

"She could not remember," Linda said, "but when she opened her eyes the next day, at first she thought she was blind, but it was because everything looked different."

How can I help my warrior husband?

Warrior's Wife asks:

After my husband returned from his tour in Afghanistan he has been mostly silent about what went on there. But he's withdrawn and moody and sometimes he throws and breaks things. He's never violent towards me or our son, and after he gets angry he leaves and comes back okay. But even when he smiles he never seems truly happy. What can I do to help him?

Dear Warrior's Wife:

You know your husband well, and you know he's wounded even if he has no physical scars.

How would you deal with nerve damage that might cause you to grimace in pain and throw your arm about wildly? You would contact doctors and experts who know about nerve damage to see what they could do to help you.

What else would you do? What else do others do? Smart people will find others who had the same wounds and ask them: "What did you do to help yourself?"

They would contact families and ask them: "What did you do? How did you - and how do you - cope?"

And there are many resources to help families and you. (There's one from the United States Department of Veteran Affairs, HERE.)

I know your husband loves you and he's in pain. You may feel he feels like less of a man and more like a monster. He might even tell you "I'm a monster", and you know he isn't and yet... and yet you can't convince him he's not.

That's because he feels like a freak, a demon, a savage.

You know, that's what he "feels." And you can't stop him from feeling what he feels, even if it's not true.

Let's say you put your hand on a hot stove for too long and you burn yourself and now you have a burn. How do you know? The evidence is there. Your hand is rapidly swelling, getting red. Others can see your hand. And your burn is painful.

Can someone seeing another person with a burn on their hand say: "Hey, buddy, stop feeling your pain!"

Even if they love you they can't tell you to stop feeling.

You have to administer to your wound and put on medicine to cool it down and it takes a little time... and gradually you feel it less and less as the nerves settle down, and you apply soothing medicine, and your bandages come off and now your hand is better (even if you always remember that time you touched the stove.)

Maybe your husband feels like a "demon." How to get rid of demons? You will find rituals, ceremonies and practices that allow you to help him bring joy inside his life, to slowly push out the bad spirit and replace it with good. And yet there will be no spiritual "magical" cure, or if there is some divine magic, it is long-term supernatural magic that you may find to cure him. And you know any sacred magic will only work one day at a time, and it takes time.

Your husband may feel he was not successful at what he should have done, or that he could have done more than he did. True, maybe he was not as successful as he wanted... or maybe he could have done more... or maybe he did as much as he could do and yet he wanted to push himself even more... Isn't he a warrior? And don't all good warriors always want to do more? And you know it's silly for you to try to convince warriors like him that they shouldn't have worked harder. You know him.

Your husband has memories of those who were lost, and he will never forget them. How can you help him to honor their memory, and keep them alive with honor inside himself? When he regains more and more strength, what else can you both do as a tribute, to elevate and to recognize what they have sacrificed?

I am also obliged to tell you to go to your counseling and see your therapist and get to your veteran programs... and you already know all that, don't you? And you're smart enough to know what else you have to do.

Help! My family is driving me crazy!

 Daughter of dysfunctional family writes:

I'm writing to you because my family is a disaster. My mother is horribly overweight and doesn't take care of herself and leaves everything for "God" to handle. My brother got his girlfriend pregnant and is not taking responsibility for his child. My father is an alcoholic who drinks so much I'm afraid to invite him into my home. I'm the first to go to college and I'm working to pay my own way with no help from them. I love them but they drive me crazy. What can I do?

Dear daughter of dysfunctional family:

I sense that, just like you, your family is stubborn, inflexible and determined - once you've set your mind to get something done, you're going to do it. And so do they. Once they set their mind to it... It's just that they're determined to do things that are not in their best interest.

You are moving forward and expanding, while they are not. You had a life in the past with them, and even though you don't want to abandon them, you are moving away, and you wonder what will happen to them.

If someone came up to you and said: "Okay, it's time for you to stop going to school and trying to better yourself and it's time for you to move back in with your family and start drinking heavily..." How would you react?"

You know how you would react, and despite you being able to hold your tongue, I know you would have a hard time staying silent. (I will not quote what I imagine you would be saying.)

I wonder though... when will you allow your family to merely be who they are?

You tell them what they should do - and you're right to tell them and you need to tell them - because they're making a mess of so many things, and you can see what they need to do.

And they won't do it.

You are the one who will always be there as a daughter, a sister... a loving tolerant person. You are strong and powerful and I see you will be more so in your future.

Yet just as your family may have taught you: "God separated Himself from His Son to save others", so must you separate.

And just as they may have taught you: "His Son took on what He had to do..."

As they say, everyone has a cross to bear, and yours may be that you can not comfort your family so they stop behaviors so obvious to you.

You are learning (and have learned) to be more rational, and yet you might have to - as unbearable as it may be -  listen to your mother and leave some of it for "God to handle."

Of course you are allowed to make rules and enforce them, too, to prevent larger disasters, such as:

"Dad, I love you and if you drink and drive, I will call the police."

"Brother, I love you and I will not hide you from your responsibilities to your baby."

"Mom, I love you and I want you to stay alive as long as possible."

I'm reminded of this story for you:

Saint Francis of Assisi discovered a wolf was terrorizing and killing people in a village, so he met the wolf at the edge of the woods, and told him to stop hurting everyone and make peace. He told the wolf that if peace was made, then the people would stop hunting the wolf and the wolf would stop terrorizing the people. All past crimes would be forgiven on both sides. And the wolf agreed and lived until his death at peace with the townspeople.

As they say: "I love you, and now it's in God's hands."

Sexless marriage not working

Dissatisfied man:

I have a problem with no solution that I can see. My wife and I first met when we were younger. I moved to this country and she followed me later. We were not married then. I wanted to marry her and she said she would marry me but there was a condition of no sex. I agreed. We got married and I am happy except she is beautiful and now I would like to have sex with her as my wife. How can I change her mind?

Dear Dissatisfied:

I do not answer questions lightly. I do not tell you what you should do. And sometimes, it may be frustrating to some people when I do not seem to answer questions directly. Why don't I just answer the question? Because sometimes the direct route will not give you the answer you are looking for.

This answer is almost twice as long as the answers I usually give. That's because it took a week of dreaming before I could remember everything I heard.

This is what I saw in my vision for you. While sleeping, I saw two crocodiles on either side of you, giving you advice. I did not catch their names. As is the case with all crocodiles, they had constant grins on their faces, although I couldn't tell if they were smiling with satisfaction or hunger, so you kept a comfortable distance.

The first crocodile spoke: "Listen. You know there is always an answer to every question, yes?"

"Yes, I know," you said.

"It may not be the answer you want to hear, or it may be exactly the answer you are hoping for," said the second crocodile.

"Go on," you said.

"You have made a bond with your wife, and based it on a contract with her. She said what she is willing to give to you, and you said what you are willing to give to her," said the first.

"You are an active young man, full of promise and life," said the second.

"Yet you cannot sleep," said the first.

"I see your eyes are bloodshot with frustration," said the second.

"You are in despair, as if you are drowning," said one.

"And we know all about drowning," they both said at the same time.

"She is beautiful, and did you think you could resist her?" said the other.

Here, you remained silent for a while, and did not answer.

"No, I sense that underneath, inside you, what dominates inside you is your belief that she will see your love and she will change for you, that if only you do what is right, she will succumb to you and give you what you want," said one.

You paused for a bit and said: "She will not, will she?"

"Part of her is impenetrable to you. I sense personal reasons for her, deep soulful reasons, as if an evil spirit resides inside her," said the other.

"And yet, you know that you are not an exorcist for her," said one.

"Her demons are hers, aren't they?" said the other.

"Yes," you said.

Both the crocodiles said at once: "And yet, what if there are no demons inside of her?"

"You have made a bargain with her and you want to change the bargain and you want it to be the way you want it to be," said the other.

"Do you love her? Honestly love her?" said one.

"Yes," you said.

"You are a gentleman," said the other.

"You are not a Wild Animal like we are," said one.

"Yes. I am a Gentle Man," you said.

"How long are you willing to wait for her to change her mind for you? While you are waiting it will eat at you and you cannot change when your soul will be completely eaten, you understand?" said one.

You waited a long time in your dream, and then you shouted: "I want you to give me Crocodile Magic to change her!"

"And we could do that for you and give you Crocodile Magic, but at what price?" said one.

"At what price?" said the other.

"Especially a Crocodile Magic Spell that takes away her desires," said the other.

"Those are Zahmbie Spells," said one.

"You came to us, to ask us, so neither of you would become Zahmbies. Even as your wife, she is not yours to take," said the other.

"I will tell you what you may do. You may confess to her that you cannot keep your promise to her," said one.

"You have to make a choice between honoring your vows or honoring your desires, and that you must honor your desires and you cannot dampen your desires without suffering," said the other.

"And so you must end your marriage," said one.

"Or you may confess to her that you will dampen your desires as much as you can, and with that choice there will still be pain for both of you," said the other.

"And so you must stay in your marriage," said one.

"And so you must leave your marriage," said the other.

You said: "I don't understand. What should I do?"

"You know what to do," said one.

"When you wake from this dream and the light spills in, you will hear the sounds of splashing water from your childhood advising you on your future," said the other.

"You are a Gentle Man," said one.

"Now you must make another promise to her," said the other.

The other looked you directly in the eye and said:

"Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, I fell asleep and had a dream. A bold-patterned Egyptian bird sat on my back and picked food from between my sharp teeth. I did not get cavities and she was well-fed. We crossed a wide stretch of the Nile River during a drought, where even the fish were scarce. So I turned to her and in one snap I grabbed her with my mouth and before I ate her she said: 'Why,' she asked me. 'Why?'"

"He said: Because I am a crocodile, my friend, that's why, and we cannot change the nature of who we are," said the other.

And that's when you began to wake up from your dream.

Who can I attract right now?

"Magnetic Personality" asks:

I'm currently in the last years of a college program, and because I'm a woman in a field surrounded by men, and my college is big enough, there's no shortage of men to meet. The problem is, all the men I meet either are clear they want to be only friends or they want to hook up for a while and then they fade away. What's going on? I'm not too loose, and I'm not too old-fashioned. So what kind of person do you think I can attract right now?

Dear Magnetica:

I was at an event recently where a young woman asked a similar question, although she was more specific about time. She wanted to know when she was going to meet someone - I can't remember if she used the exact words "meet her soulmate" or not - but when would she meet that person? The answer was three years, and the young woman let out a unconscious, soulful scream: "Three years!"

My ears are still ringing. Sometimes, maybe you have to lie.

I can tell you're that you're similar in that you're strong and you're driven to succeed, and you've always been this way. Even when you were playing as a little kid, you had specific goals and you wanted what you wanted. Were you the one who told everyone else just how the game was going to be played? Does this sound familiar to you?

Now you're grown up and you're playing with these bigger toys called men, and they aren't doing what you want them to do.

Except for the vintage toys. Now, your older guys might be doing what you think you want.

You're probably attracting older men who are bewitched by your beauty and assertiveness and youth. Are they the right men for you? No, they're not. But besides their inherent toyness, they have other toys that others you meet won't have, like stable jobs and cars and extra money and apartments where the roommates don't wake up at three a.m. to pee in the sink.

And just like shiny new vacuum cleaners, they also have attachments, like three children, or an ex-wife, or that wife that they're still kinda living with but the divorce isn't yet, well it's complicated.

It's your choice on whether to let them into your life. And you will succeed whether they're in your life or not. Of course you will.

I see the odds are very low that those guys will last.

Go ahead and be with them, or someone closer to your age, because you want to, and you'll get what you want.

Yet you maybe are going to scream if I say three years. So for the sake of any listening ears I'm not going to say three years. Instead I'll tell you 36 months.

In that time you'll understand what I'm talking about.

And of course you're going to fight against what I say just as you fight against anyone who tells you what to do, because that's who you are.

So you might find a mate for your soul in these three years, or you might find what you need to, to get through the time while you wait for the one you're going to find anyway.

And here's the part that'll mess with you: so am I telling you three years because I really think you have to wait three years, or am I saying three years to you because I know you'll fight against me saying three years (you know you like a passionate fight) and you'll start attracting guys who will be right for you but don't want to wait three years?

- Bob Arcana

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